there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
