just come out here and I will go home with you...
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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