i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
