tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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