yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
