GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
