i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
