Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
