Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I can't turn off my feet"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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