When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
