Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
