omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
