I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
