This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
