he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I need water and some morals
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
