i barfeds in our rink
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
