His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize