She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
