3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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