lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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