M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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