Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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