After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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