If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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