Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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