I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
