at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
