The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
