He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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