Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
