Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
