I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize