I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize