i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
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