God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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