u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
