You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
