Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
