yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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