Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
