I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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