I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
