So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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