I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
