If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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