My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
