I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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