I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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