i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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