My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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