smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
