tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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