Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
