Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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