i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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