who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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