2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
