we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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