i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
